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By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder and President Yesterday Tommy’s National Centre for Miscarriage Research (Tommy’s) published the findings from the “largest ever study into the psychological impact of early-stage pregnancy loss.” Notably, this study found that “women experience high levels of post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression after early pregnancy loss. Distress declines over time but remains at clinically important levels at nine months.” These findings from this important study helps us to start understanding the emotional and psychological effects of miscarriage. To learn more about PTSD and other psychological effects following pregnancy loss visit their blog. Today we highlight Tommy’s on our blog because their work is vital to the overall work of the pregnancy loss community. What are they about? Tommy’s “fund[s] research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth, and provide[s] pregnancy health information to parents. [They] believe it is unacceptable that one in four women lose a baby during pregnancy or birth. [They] want every parent to have the best possible pregnancy outcomes and take home happy, healthy babies.” In addition to leading the way in miscarriage research, they provide resources to and support to families experiencing early pregnancy loss. Their services include:
How Tommy’s Work Supports the Work of EPLA Over the last few weeks we have been sharing EPLA’s core values. Research organizations like Tommy’s allow us to better fulfill our mission and act according to our core values. As we learn more about the needs of women and families following loss, we will be better able to affirm life, bear burdens, love people, encourage community, and grieve together. Even though Tommy’s is located in the UK, research gives us the tools to work within our own community. EPLA works closely with medical professionals, counselors, and social workers. We also work to serve parents by distributing important information and resources following early loss. This research informs our own work as we work to serve you. If you are not familiar with Tommy’s, we encourage you to visit their website and follow them on Facebook. The more we all know about early pregnancy loss, the more we are able to serve and love each other through the grief.
Emily Carrington is a freelance writer, wife, mother, and founder of the EPLA.
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By: Nick Carrington EPLA Editor In the core value series, the editors of Hope Blooms seek to show the heart of the EPLA by describing our core values. We encourage you to remember the children we’ve lost and stand with families suffering from miscarriage. Loving People In the last post about core values, we discussed bearing burdens by addressing physical and day-to-day needs. But loss families obviously have more than physical needs after a miscarriage: they struggle through emotional turmoil as well. The EPLA also aims to address these emotional needs of loss families by loving them. Loss families often struggle with anger, confusion, frustration, and sorrow, unable to make sense of the tragedy. They feel the weight of losing a child, but the culture around them does not always affirm the magnitude of that loss. This disconnect can cause a hardening of the heart as families try to cope with their grief. At the EPLA, we aspire to come alongside families by affirming their grief and validating their emotions. We understand that suffering families will feel and react differently, and the EPLA tries to meet the varying emotional needs of each one. How Do We Love Others? As individuals, we can love others by listening before we speak, responding empathetically, and showing respect for both the family and their lost child. We should not seek to “fix” the situation as if our words were magic. More often than not, loss families need someone to listen to their pain and cry alongside them. When we speak unwisely without listening, we trivialize the tragedy, twisting the knife a little more. Grieving families may be concerned that others will forget about their miscarried little one, and emotionally, they are uplifted when others remember their son or daughter. In the immediate aftermath of a miscarriage, we can love families by affirming they have lost a child. As time passes, we can re-affirm this truth through gifts of remembrance, asking about the child around difficult seasons, and using the child’s name, if applicable. Loss families have extensive and sometimes intensive emotional needs as they grieve a miscarriage. By being present, listening, and validating the pain of loss parents, we may provide oxygen to a family gasping for air. The EPLA encourages these kinds of responses and asks that we as a culture support the grieving through loving, nurturing, and respectful responses.
Nick Carrington is an Editor for the EPLA and Assistant Professor of Professional Writing at Cedarville University.
By: Clara Meli I took a deep breath and began to rethink what I was about to do. If I asked this, would I be an insensitive daughter? But, if I didn’t ask, would I be an uncaring sister? Some questions are better left unanswered, but I wanted to know. I swallowed hard. I whispered, “Did they have names?” As a child, I asked a lot of questions. Information delighted me, and if something confused me, I would always strive to understand it. One day, I heard my brother mutter about another brother he would have had if… If what? I failed to grasp the rest of his speech. Something happened, and everyone seemed to know but me. If I had another brother, where was he? Did he leave us? How could he? How did I not know about him? Why did we never speak of him? After this, I came to my mom seeking answers. In a way I can’t remember, it was conveyed to me that I had two siblings who were lost in an event titled “miscarriage.” I was young, and I was unable to fully comprehend the extent of what this meant right away. My brain needed time to process this information, and slowly it began to make sense to me. I finally connected the dots when I was playing with my friends. I stopped playing abruptly, and my face displayed concern and anguish. My companions pleaded with me to tell them what was wrong, but I couldn’t articulate the words. Two of my siblings were dead. They were gone, and they were not coming back. When I realized this, I fell into fear. I assumed talking about this would upset people. Surely, Mom did not wish to discuss what happened, so I would do everything possible to avoid alluding to what I knew. This would be a traumatic memory that we all would need to repress. I didn’t wish to cause more pain, so instead of addressing the pain, I decided to ignore it. To prevent future grief, the elephant in the room had to be ignored and forgotten. Grief is an unusual concept. From my experience, grief feels as if my internal organs have been carved out of my body. It makes me feel empty. When I connect this to miscarriage, my heart aches, and I can’t imagine how a mother feels after this happens. The physicality of the emptiness is much more real, and the grief is personal. How could I let the control of my curiosity manipulate me to rub salt into such a deep wound? While these were my initial thoughts, I didn’t want to forget about my siblings. On the contrary, I desired to know everything about them. When were their birthdays? Were they girls or boys? Did they have names? There was no way I could walk away from this, but I resolved to approach the matter gently. I waited for a peaceful moment before I brought my questions to her. She looked directly into my eyes. Her voice broke a little. “One of them was too young to tell the gender,” she slowed her speech as she continued, “but the other was a boy, and I always like to think of him as Timothy.” His name was Timothy. I did have another brother, and his name was Timothy. I wondered if we would have called him “Timmy.” Would he have been my close friend? Would my brother and he have been best friends? What would Timothy like to do? What about my other sibling? Would he or she have been my friend? What would he or she like to do? I found myself missing people I had never met. Their lives began and ended before I was even a thought in my parents’ minds, yet I feel the pain of their loss. A multitude of questions continue to attack my brain. I don’t have all the answers, but that is okay. I know that my siblings were created in the image of God and their lives had a purpose. Though I miss them and wonder about what might have been, my disconnected sorrow allows me to look forward to the day when I will meet them.
Clara Meli is a Professional Writing major at Cedarville University.
By Carissa Caples EPLA Staff Writer Kelsy Dowd had just passed the 6-week mark in her pregnancy when she noticed she was spotting. Even though others brushed it off, she felt very concerned because she knew what was at risk. This was her baby. This was the child she and her husband sang to and prayed over. She’d already made a whole Pinterest board of plans for them, and she’d even handed her parents onesies to announce her pregnancy. Kelsy wanted to make sure everything was fine, so she contacted her OBGYN and her doctor to see if she could come in for a check-up. Unfortunately, she was told that they didn’t have any openings and that her symptoms did not qualify as an emergency. “I was like, you know what, nurses are going to advocate for you, they know what they’re talking about, and you’re not having any red bleeding or cramps, so it’s probably in your head,” Kelsy said. “[I thought,] ‘I’m worried for no reason.’” To Kelsy’s dismay, her 9-week appointment was when she and her husband, Lex, discovered that their baby didn’t have a heartbeat. “My body thought that I still had a viable pregnancy, but our baby just didn’t grow past 6 weeks and 3 days, which was really tough,” Kelsy said. Her grief was devastating, and Kelsy could barely handle the thought of telling her loved ones. But after shouldering the initial grief, Kelsy and Lex went and told his parents the grave news, then went to tell Kelsy’s parents and her little brothers, who were still very young. “Having such young siblings, that was one of the harder things,” Kelsy said. “A couple weeks after that happened, Zane asked me, ‘Where’s your baby?’ and then he realized, ‘Oh, I shouldn’t have asked that question.’ You could see it on his face… 4-year-olds shouldn’t have to experience that.” To add to the pain, a few days later, Kelsy had to go in for a D&C so the doctors could remove the remaining tissue. Luckily, there was a bright spot in all her pain: Kelsy knew the importance of opening up about her trials, and because of her vulnerability, she was able to find the community she needed to heal. She reached out to women in her circle who were willing to listen and help her, and she discovered podcasts and other resources that proved to be instrumental in her healing process. After taking the time to grieve privately, she began sharing about her loss on social media. “It is actually really easy to find people who know what I’m going through,” Kelsy said. “25% of women have experienced a miscarriage… When you vocalize about it, there’s going to be people who have gone through it, so they’ll reach out to me.” Her friends, family, coworkers, and others in her life have been very supportive and helpful, and she truly feels that she had everything she needed to cope with her bereavement well. However, even with all that support, Kelsy put pressure on herself to get pregnant by her first baby’s due date, and every month that passed was a reminder of her childlessness and inadequacy in comparison to her expectations. “Now, as the months have gone by and we’re still not getting pregnant, I am just kind of confused,” Kelsy said. “Like, God, why was it so easy—we got pregnant within two months! Now it’ll be almost a year, and we still haven’t gotten pregnant again, so that’s more frustrating.” She tried to open up to her husband, but he struggled when he was reminded of the pain, so Kelsy and Lex just tried their best to mesh their coping styles together in a constructive way, being considerate of each other, yet making sure their own needs were met. Kelsy deactivated her Facebook, sick of looking at everyone else’s highlight reel, and when the due date arrived, she and Lex went out for a “staycation.” They rented out a hotel room, went out to dinner, and hoped that getting away for a while would help take their minds off the weight of that day. But still, every milestone—holidays with loved ones, monthiversaries of losing their child, and hearing about another family’s developments—brought tremendous grief. Now, Kelsy is in the “after” season, where the worst of the pain seems to be behind her, but she is still wading through the emotional aftermath as others in her life get pregnant. “It’s very interesting to me that grief and happiness can coexist,” Kelsy said. “Like, I don’t want people to tiptoe around me. If someone gets pregnant, I want them to tell me. I want to rejoice with them. I want to praise God with them, be there with them, and help support them every time they get to the next mark in their pregnancy… and I think that’s kind of hard for some people to understand… But at the same time, there are days where it’s like, ‘okay, if I see one more person announce that they’re pregnant, I’m going to be so emotional today.’ Each day’s a different day.” Grief is not straightforward, and she doesn’t always know exactly how she’ll feel about everything, but she mostly just wants people to reach out to her and show that they care. Over time, Kelsy has felt the support fade, and she feels hesitant to bring it up herself, fearing that she’ll ruin someone else’s day with her grief. She wishes others were more comfortable talking about her baby. “I would rather have people communicate with me and acknowledge that our baby was real, and that they were a person, and that they mattered, rather than tiptoeing around it and never talking about it,” Kelsy said. “I think, for me and Lex, our biggest fear is that people will forget that we have a child.” Kelsy explained that it doesn’t have to be extravagant, but she wishes people understood that grieving mothers still need support, even years down the road, and it can be small things, like reminder texts that others are thinking of them and praying for them. As she explained, “If people just communicated about it more, we would be able to find comfort in our grief.” In dark situations, greater support leads to greater healing.
Carissa Caples is a Senior Professional Writing and Information Design major at Cedarville University and staff writer for the Early Pregnancy Loss Association.
By: Nick Carrington EPLA Editor In the core value series, the editors of Hope Blooms seek to show the heart of the EPLA by describing our core values. We encourage you to remember the children we’ve lost and stand with families suffering from miscarriage. Bearing Burdens Miscarriage is a traumatic event that affects families physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Research confirms that parents mourn the death of their child in the womb with a similar intensity and duration as they mourn deaths of other loved ones. This pain makes ordinary activities a burden for families. They need to make meals, care for their other children, do house and yard work, and work their jobs. Most loss parents have little to no respite, and the everyday demands of life only deepen the emotional and spiritual turmoil they feel. Many women also do not realize what their physical needs will be during and after a miscarriage. The entire experience is traumatic, including on the body of the mother. They bear a physical weight that is amplified by the pain within them. EPLA Response At the EPLA, we encourage a comprehensive response to the suffering of miscarriage. This response includes miscarriage kits to give mothers the supplies they need to deal with the physical effects of a miscarriage. We have created resource folders to educate suffering families as they try to make sense of the senseless. On our blog, we have suggested ways to encourage loss parents and help them with everyday needs. Bearing burdens will not “fix” the problem or make loss parents’ grief go away. But, hopefully, it will allow them to come up for air and breathe, to keep from sinking deeper into the depths that sometimes swallow us whole when we encounter trauma. Parents need time to work through their grief, and we as an organization and as individuals play a role in the healing. Stand with us as we seek to bear the burdens of suffering parents. They need our help; to carry their load is to offer them hope, and hope goes a long way as we grieve the loss of a child.
Nick Carrington is an Editor for the EPLA and Assistant Professor of Professional Writing at Cedarville University.
By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder and President In the core value series, the editors of Hope Blooms seek to show the heart of the EPLA by describing our core values. We encourage you to remember the children we’ve lost and stand with families suffering from miscarriage. Affirming Life Early pregnancy loss is the loss of a unique and infinitely valuable life often bringing great grief to women and families as they suffer this loss. While it might be hard to perceive the life of an embryo without technology, we affirm that a mother is caring human life at any stage in development from fertilization on. The word miscarriage is often used to describe pregnancy loss in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. Women who have experienced a second trimester miscarriage might have already felt kicks, started to show, heard a heartbeat, or have seen their little one on an ultrasound. Other women who have experienced a first trimester miscarriage might not have had any evidence of life other than the positive pregnancy test. Every pregnancy loss experience is different. Some women have been longing for a baby; some women are facing an unwanted pregnancy. Some women have suffered multiple miscarriages, some this is their first. Some women have had multiple healthy pregnancies before a miscarriage while others have had multiple miscarriages with no living children. For each of these women, when her pregnancy ended, so did a life. What does this mean? We want to help change the public script to allow space for grief following miscarriage. We believe that affirming life is the first step for giving this space. We must first understand what we are grieving so that we might grieve it properly. This does not mean we all will experience this grief in the same way. Or even must adapt the same rituals and ceremonies to process our grief. Just as we all experience other deaths differently, families will respond differently to miscarriage.
Emily Carrington is a freelance writer, wife, mother, and founder of the EPLA.
By Stephanie Gordon EPLA Editor When it comes to miscarriage, we rarely think about it happening to those in the spotlight. I know I didn’t during my miscarriage. During those moments of suffering, it’s easy to think it’s only happening to you, when sadly, it’s not. Celebrities like Beyonce, Nicole Kidman, Courteney Cox, and Carrie Underwood have all experienced miscarriage(s). With their powerful platform, they’ve helped bring awareness to miscarriage. I’ve rounded up quotes from celebrities that might help make you feel a little less alone. "There are so many couples that go through that and it was a big part of my story. It's one of the reasons I did not share I was pregnant the second time, because you don't know what's going to happen. And that was hard, because all of my family and my friends knew and we celebrated. It was hard.” – Beyonce "I had a really bad experience when I was pregnant with my third. It didn’t work out and I nearly died. So I am like, 'Are we good here or should we go back and try again?'" – Gwyneth Paltrow “We were crushed. Up till then, I thought simply because it was time and I wanted to have a baby, it would work." – Brooke Shields "I was angry at life and at God. Hopefully we can help people understand that there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's such a taboo subject, but it's a very common problem." – Giuliana Rancic “I felt like I failed, because I didn’t know how common miscarriages were, because we don’t talk about them. We sit in our own pain, thinking that somehow we’re broken. I think it’s the worst thing that we do to each other as women, not share the truth about our bodies and how they work, and how they don’t work.” – Michelle Obama “I had had several miscarriages. And when I did, they were never reported. And I would take a couple of days off and go back to work." – Barbara Walters "It kind of shook us both and took us to a place that was really dark and difficult.” – Mariah Carey “I felt so sad and guilty that I had done something wrong to lose this child.” – Shawn Johnson “I’ve always been agnostic about having kids. I don’t feel naturally maternal. I don’t feel this natural draw to motherhood. And I think my response and how sad I felt afterward surprised me. I would not wish it upon anyone.” – Meghan McCain “The grief is all-consuming. It’s all you can think about. It’s like a death is happening inside your body, and you’re also supposed to show up for your child that you have and you can’t really be sad in front of them, and you’re just confused if your feelings are okay or if they’re too dramatic.” – Whitney Port As I was researching these quotes, I knew exactly what these celebrities were feeling. We have similar reactions and emotions. Although heartbreaking, it is comforting that as women, celebrities or not, we all share nearly identical feelings when going through a traumatic, unfair experience. Please know that you are never alone. If you or someone you know needs help, the Early Pregnancy Loss Association is always here.
Stephanie Gordon is a paleo food enthusiast, wife, full-time SAHM, marketing professional, and blogger.
By: Nick Carrington EPLA Editor After dealing with several miscarriages, Emily Carrington, our president and founder, experienced first-hand the isolation that comes with losing a child in the womb. She had physical, emotional, and spiritual needs and myriad questions that went unanswered. The resources for dealing with this trauma were woefully lacking. Instead of merely repining, she dreamed. Emily dreamed of a culture of comfort for grieving families where miscarried children are celebrated and the sting of medical bills is diminished. She dreamed of a community willing to listen to the laments of the tearful, to hear their stories and bear their burdens. Emily dreamed big. And out of those dreams sprang the Early Pregnancy Loss Association, an organization committed to making sure that no family suffers miscarriage alone. Not all of Emily’s dreams have been realized, but we’ve come a long way by providing educational materials, miscarriage kits, digital space to share stories, and much more. There’s plenty of work to be done, but we have built a foundation on five core values that guide our actions as an organization. These values form the heartbeat of the EPLA; they unite us as we seek to come alongside hurting mothers and families. These values are as follows: Affirming Life Early pregnancy loss is the loss of a unique and infinitely valuable life often bringing great grief to women and families as they suffer this loss. Bearing Burdens Women and families experiencing early pregnancy loss are carrying the weight of death. In isolation, this weight seems too great for one to bear. But together, when we carry one another's burdens, the weight is eased by making room for peace and hope. Loving People Early pregnancy loss brings anger, confusion, frustration, and sorrow. These emotions can lead to both emotional sensitivity and a hardening heart in order to cope with the grief. To meet their unique needs during this time, women and families will be treated in a loving, nurturing, and respectful way. Encouraging Community Together we can do more. To better bear the burdens of women and families, a variety of organizations and professionals can work together to meet these needs. Medical professionals, counselors, churches, and related non-profits all offer unique services to help ease the emotional, psychological, and financial burden of early pregnancy loss. Grieving Together Because of the hushed culture concerning pregnancy loss, many women do not know how to understand their heartache. Everyone grieves differently, and, though common, early pregnancy loss is an intensely personal experience. Whether they choose to grieve publicly or privately, women and families need a safe environment to experience grief. By acknowledging the frequency of early pregnancy loss and recognizing it as a death, families are granted space to grieve. These ideas have many implications, and we have plenty to say about them. So, our editors are going to dive deep into these core values in the coming weeks, discussing what these values mean to us and how we display them as an organization. We believe that the best organizations are guided by a clear desire to do good, and through this series, we hope you see the heart of the EPLA. If you resonate with these values and want to help our clause, feel free to reach out to us. We would love to partner with you in helping bear the burden of grief for women & families who have experienced the heartache of miscarriage.
Nick Carrington is an Editor for the EPLA and Assistant Professor of Professional Writing at Cedarville University.
By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder and President Five years ago my heart was broken and I felt stuck in despair. I had suffered two miscarriages that year and I was entering the holiday season with all of the postpartum hormones and no precious baby. Though I tried, I wasn’t sure I could ever be thankful or merry again. While the pain of my losses remains, this year I enter the holiday season with a heart of gratitude. But it is not for reasons I ever imagined. As the president of the Early Pregnancy Loss Association, these are some things I am thankful for this year:
I know not everyone is ready to be thankful. For those who still feel the weight of grief, I hope that you can find a small reprieve this holiday season. Whether it be a moment of gratitude for a loving family member or a moment of rest and peace related to a happy memory. There will be a day you can be thankful again.
Emily Carrington is a freelance writer, wife, mother, and founder of the EPLA.
By: Chelsea Luedecking For the last 31 years, October 15th has been an ordinary day. The older I get, the more I appreciate these ordinary days - but not this year. October 15 represents pregnancy and infant loss day. This year marks the first year I knew this day even existed because it’s the first year since we lost you and became members of the club no one wants to be a part of. We should be putting the finishing touches on our baby’s nursery and preparing our sons for their new sibling - instead the only thing I have left of you is a small diamond I wear on my neck next to two others that symbolize your brothers. As simple as it is, it brings me overwhelming comfort. You are with me wherever I go, and today is the day I finally have the courage to share you with the world. Our society has no clue how to deal with miscarriage. It makes people uncomfortable and one way to avoid this is to just not talk about it. By ignoring it, it’s almost as if I’m pretending you never existed - but my sweet love, you were loved from the very moment you were created. I’m sorry I can’t find the strength to share more about you - to wonder who you would have been, if you’d share the same bright blue eyes as your brothers; your dads loving demeanor or my empathetic heart. You deserved more than I was able to give you - but you will always be a part of our story. For me, losing you has caused so much guilt and shame. Everything runs through my head. My baths were too hot. I drank too much kombucha. I was too stressed. I worked too hard and slept too little. I should have known. How did I not know what was happening to my body? I’m so sorry, my love. We all know none of it would have made a difference, but then the doubt sets in. Maybe. Maybe not - but maybe. The guilt for my boys. I’m sorry I’ve been detached as your mama lately. I’m hurting so much for reasons you’re too young to understand. I’m trying my best but I know it’s not good enough. I’m sorry for the sibling you’ll never know, but I can promise you, you’ll meet one day. Our society has no clue how to deal with miscarriage. It makes people uncomfortable and one way to avoid this is to just not talk about it. By ignoring it, it’s almost as if I’m pretending you never existed - but my sweet love, you were loved from the very moment you were created. The guilt for my husband. I’m sorry for falling apart. For the nights I need to cry and be alone. I know you’re experiencing this loss with me, but it feels more raw for me. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you how I need you there for me, it’s not fair. None of this is fair, but it’s our new reality. I believe with my WHOLE heart that God makes no mistakes. Your life had a purpose and happened for a reason. Although I don’t know that reason yet, I pray every.single.day that God exposes his truth for your life to me so I can start to understand why. Your life has completely changed my perspective. I find joy in small moments, I love your brothers harder, I cherish each day, I worry less, I admire your dad more, I care less about what others think of me, and I trust God on a deeper level. Your precious, short life has forever changed me. I hope your story brings comfort to others. That suffering mamas read about you and feel emboldened to grieve aloud if they need to. Through these reflections, maybe they will see how much I love and value them and their miscarried children. Regardless, Little One, of how your story affects others, I hold on to one thing above all else: you will always be my baby, and I will always be your mama. Chelsea Luedecking is a Hillsdale native and Hillsdale College graduate. She is currently on a stay at home mom sabbatical from her work as a school counselor. Chelsea and her husband, Michael, and live in Jackson, MI. They have two beautiful boys, Maxwell (6) and Hendrix (3) with their expected rainbow due this Christmas! |
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