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By Nick Carrington EPLA Editor A few weeks ago at the Guardian, Alexandra King wrote an article titled “A maddening grief: my year of miscarriages and how I got through it.” It is a beautiful piece that touches on the various kinds of pain suffered through miscarriage – physical, emotional, and spiritual. Her pain through three miscarriages led to a new hobby: baking bread. She writes: “Still, in spite of it all, the axis upon which the tragedy/comedy line sits had figured out the coordinates of my New York City kitchen. I knew, in my heart, that it was a sad, bad joke of an impulse. No buns in my oven, at least not for long anyway. But I had to do something. So I banged out sourdough loaves by the dozen. Though many failed for no reason whatsoever, as petulant and unpredictable as my capricious embryos, I couldn’t stop. Even with forearms creased green at the elbow from the daily blood lets at the fertility clinic, where I had turned to try and see if lovely dependable science could figure out why my longed-for babies never stuck around." King also describes a new habit formed after speaking with a blood technician: “Then she asks if I believe in God. I am mortified, but I still say no, because I don’t. 'Oh,' she says, not unkindly. 'I was going to tell you to pray.' Which is why, days later, at home, watching the thick lines of my scoring puff sensuous tendrils into the lid of my loaf, I am surprised to realize, with a start, that I am doing just that. I am kneeling next to the oven, head bent, like a pilgrim at a shrine, talking to the humanist god (or goddess, or both, or nothing). That I am saying, out loud, over and over again, ‘God, please let me have my baby. I will do anything, I will be whatever you need, whatever you want, just please, let my baby stay.” I’m not sure how long I’ve been on the ground. All I know is that when I push my hands to my sticky cheeks, they are white hot, as if the oven’s flames had licked them a long time.” Baking bread. Praying. For King, these were activities born out of despair. If you read the piece (and you should), she is desperate for comfort in something, anything. Despair often drives us to new ways of thinking and new ways of doing. When we see loved ones who have miscarried, we should not be surprised by new habits. But we should also recognize that the depth of despair that King describes is because a child, or in her case, children, have been lost. Those who suffer miscarriage grieve a death, and until we acknowledge that, until we let that seep into our bones, we will struggle to comfort our bereaved loved ones.  Nick Carrington is an Editor for the EPLA and Associate Professor of Professional Writing at Cedarville University
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By Carissa Caples EPLA Staff Writer
I was sitting in my high school journalism lab when I first found out about the “12-week rule.” I distinctly remember my teacher explaining to me that the social etiquette is to not reveal that you’re pregnant until the second trimester of your pregnancy in case you have a miscarriage. I remember feeling confused and unsettled—I’m someone who always tries to let people in on what’s going on with me, so the thought of hiding something so pivotal was very foreign to me. I thought about my future and really expected that when I was pregnant, whether I was going to lose the baby or not, I’d want people to know about it. But I also succumb easily to the pressures of social etiquette, so I just accepted the upsetting truth that those were the rules and figured that someday I’d understand. As I got older and became more involved in conversations surrounding pregnancy and motherhood, I began to run into many similar startling “rules” that lead to women struggling in silence. But there’s good news! Now that I’ve gotten older and observed the rise of authenticity culture in media, I’ve been thrilled to learn that there are so many people and organizations learning to break stigmatizing “rules” like these and bring early pregnancy loss into the spotlight so grieving women can access support from a community of women who have experienced the same type of loss. Here are a few articles I found helpful in my research about how women are breaking the silence and sharing openly about their grief. 1. Katy Lindemann: “The 12-Week Pregnancy Rule Makes the Pain of Miscarriage Worse” https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/07/12-week-pregnancy-rule-miscarriage-shame-failure This lively opinion article from The Guardian explains why rules like the “12-week rule” that were originally meant to help women can actually be harmful, and argues that we need to be more open about both pregnancy and miscarriage. Katy shares her personal experience with miscarriage and talks about how changing our societal rules around pregnancy announcements could benefit women. 2. Erin Magner: “How to Talk About Miscarriage, According to a Psychologist” https://www.wellandgood.com/good-advice/jessica-zucker-how-to-talk-about-miscarriage/slide/2/ It’s great that people are explaining why our society’s approach to talking about miscarriage is bad, but sometimes we can get so bogged down in what not to do that we lose sight of the things that could actually be helpful. Since we do need to change the way we talk about pregnancy and miscarriage, here are some constructive tips surrounding how to talk about a miscarriage. It specifically covers how to talk to a friend in a helpful way if she’s had a miscarriage, and how to speak about your own miscarriage in a constructive way. 3. The Bump Editors: “18 Celebrities Who’ve Opened Up About Miscarriage” https://www.thebump.com/a/celebrity-miscarriages Looking for examples of how to open up about your miscarriage? Or have you been hoping to hear stories from people you’re familiar with? This article highlights 18 celebrities who have shared their stories of loss, in an attempt to make you feel less alone (because even Beyoncé deals with this stuff). Start Here If you have always felt like someday you’d like to share your experiences with miscarriage, our goal is to provide a place to start. Feel free to comment below or contact us to share your story with people who truly care, or to ask us questions about how to go about sharing your experiences with others. We are here as a resource for you, and we want to help you as much as possible. If you have a friend or loved one who is currently experiencing grief from losing a child, we are here to help you as well. Try to reach out to them today and use some of the tips provided in article #2, and let us know how it goes! And as always, if you have any questions for us about how to go about it, please reach out to us at [email protected]. Carissa Caples is a Senior Professional Writing and Information Design major at Cedarville University and staff writer for the Early Pregnancy Loss Association. By: Carissa Caples EPLA Staff Writer
The Early Pregnancy Loss Association focuses on fostering community between women who have suffered the loss of a child. Luckily, we are a few voices in a sea of many who are speaking out about miscarriage and grief, and there are so many others who have valuable perspectives to share. We decided to round up a few articles from others whose voices need to be heard. Let us know which of these were particularly helpful to you, or if you have any others you’d like to add to the list! 1. Maggie O’Farrell: “‘It’s Not Your Fault.’ The Extraordinary Pain of an Ordinary Miscarriage” This is an excerpt from Maggie O’Farrell’s memoir. She presents a poignant portrayal of her experience, which highlights the reality that miscarriage isn’t only the loss of a child, it’s also the loss of a life you thought you would have with them as they grow up. Just a warning, it made me ugly cry. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2018/03/06/its-not-your-fault-the-extraordinary-pain-of-an-ordinary-miscarriage/ 2. Jessica Zucker: “My Mother Said All the Wrong Things After My Miscarriage. But that’s Not a Surprise” In this article, Jessica shows what it’s like to communicate with toxic family members about your miscarriage, and she explains why we need to normalize the topic of miscarriage in conversation. Jessica’s account reminds us that the real problem isn’t the people who say the wrong things, it’s our lack of comfort with discussing the subject. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jun/01/miscarriage-still-birth-pregnancy-discussions-family 3. Ashley Marcin: “13 Things Only a Woman Who’s Had a Miscarriage Would Understand” Because of the culture of shame and secrecy surrounding miscarriage, many people are uninformed about what it’s like. In this quick read, Ashley highlights 13 little moments women often go through when they experience the loss of a child. How many of these moments have happened to you? https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/things-only-a-woman-who-had-a-miscarriage-would-understand#9 We want to hear from you! Did you find any of these articles especially interesting? What topics would you like to hear about next? Let us know in the comments! We would love to connect with you. Carissa Caples is a Senior Professional Writing and Information Design major at Cedarville University and staff writer for the Early Pregnancy Loss Association. By: EPLA Editors
Sunday was Father’s Day and as Facebook filled up with beautiful tributes to all of the amazing fathers out there, we couldn’t help but notice some very special posts honoring the brave yet heartbroken loss dads. We see you out there. Your arms long to hold your little one, but instead you grip the mother of your child as she weeps. You weep too, and that is okay. We see you, we thank you, and we want to honor you. Here are some of our favorite articles honoring loss dads this Father’s Day:
And our favorite Facebook posts were on these pages: Know that today and every day, you are a father. |
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