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HOPE BLOOMS

sharing your stories and remembering your children

Honoring Loss in a Family Tree

8/16/2022

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Nick Carrington
Hope Blooms Editor


A month or so ago, our family attended a large reunion of Rachael (my wife)’s relatives. Her grandparents are still living, born in the 1930s and in their mid 80s. One night after the army of little ones went to bed, those grandparents told the story of their family going back into the late 1700s and early 1800s. 


Rachael’s grandmother understood a big portion of her history intimately. She knew her great grandmother until she was 11, hearing stories about homesteading and exploring new parts of the United States that few, if any, had seen. 

Several members of the family helped compile documents to aid the family history. One of those documents was created by my father-in-law. It showed the family tree across five generations, down through my own kids. In it, we saw the shadows of both joy and suffering, the many kids that each family was blessed with and the ones who they lost young. 

As I looked at my own generation, I scanned through all the children, my own and my nieces and nephews. One entry stopped my breath, made my chest constrict. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law have five living children, all listed with their names and birthdates. But another name appeared in that line, a name that makes every heart ache in that room.

Those parents lost a child between their first and second living children. It was a boy, and they named him Jaron. And even though he wasn’t at the family reunion, even though none of us got to take him on hikes or watch him jump off the high rock into the lake where we were staying, he was honored as a family member in that tree. 

It may not seem like a lot, but in that moment, I was proud that this family, the one that had accepted me as one of their own even if we don’t share blood, celebrated a child that was miscarried.

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Miscarriage Care in a Post-Dobbs World

8/9/2022

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Emily Carrington
EPLA Executive Director 


In recent weeks, early pregnancy loss has been in the spotlight, following the controversial Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization decision in the Supreme Court. 


Some fear that common medical care for miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies will be restricted by a lack of federal protection for abortions.

Confusion, deep fear, gray areas, and highly charged political motives have served only to muddy the waters for women, lawmakers, lawyers, and doctors alike. 

At EPLA, we strongly believe it is important for everyone to have a clear understanding of early pregnancy loss and the medical procedures required during and after a loss. 

Clarity and precision are necessary for both lawmakers and doctors to distinguish an elective abortion from what is known as a spontaneous abortion. They then must address the gray areas with nuance and care, but address them nonetheless. 

It is our understanding that currently no state law prohibits care for miscarriage or ectopic pregnancies. Additionally, President Joe Biden recently signed an Executive Order that would ensure protection for emergency medical care for early pregnancy loss. 

As the Early Pregnancy Loss Association, we believe it is important to continue to protect care for the sake of women and their families in the case of spontaneous abortions (miscarriages) or ectopic pregnancies with precise, clear, nuanced laws. 

We continue to stand by our core values, affirming the life and death of a miscarried child, and hope to usher in a world where all honor the dignity of that life and death. 


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We Need Your Help

8/2/2022

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Through donations and partnerships, EPLA has far more resources than it did when it first launched. These resources allow us to put together miscarriage kits, invest in space to store our growing supplies, and work towards paying medical bills for loss mothers. Some of the things we’re doing now were only a dream a few years ago.

We hope the growth doesn’t stop there. EPLA desires to do more for families and loved ones, to educate, bear burdens, and affirm life. To do so, we need financial help from our supporters.

One great way to help is through our Amazon Wishlist. We are always in need of items like sanitary pads, tea bags, flowers, and lip balm. Shopping our wishlist make it easy to send your donation straight to our door!

Because of inflation and other economic factors, people have less money to donate to worthy causes, but one way you can support us without using extra funds is to use Amazon Smile.

By going to smile.amazon.com and choosing EPLA as your charity of choice, Amazon will donate 0.5% of eligible purchases to EPLA. As you shop for everyday materials or gifts, you will also support us as we care for hurting families. No extra money for you but a big help for us.

So we ask for your support: your prayers, your time, and any financial resources you can spare. We will use those funds to try and keep loss parents from suffering through miscarriage alone.

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How to Help Kids Understand Miscarriage

7/26/2022

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By Maria Servold
EPLA Executive Director

One of the hardest things families experience during a miscarriage is how to explain it to other siblings, especially if they were already excited for a baby to join the family. 

Children can have a hard time understanding “where the baby went” and why it won’t be born like they were expecting. These conversations are difficult, but we honor the lives of our miscarried babies by talking about them with their siblings.

Remember, there is no script for these conversations. Honesty and simplicity will go a long way toward helping children understand a loss. 

That said, many parents may find it helpful to look through a book with their children that explains miscarraige in a kid-friendly way.

Last year, I interviewed Dr. I. Cori Baill, an OB-GYN and author of a beautiful children’s book about miscarriage, called Why is Mommy Crying?


After suffering a miscarriage early in her medical career, Baill said she found herself looking for resources to help her explain the loss to the two small children she already had.

​“I was very surprised at the lack of resources, starting with my religion, which said there was no ceremony, there was no prayer, there was no ritual,” she said. I was really surprised that there was not much out there to help me explain [miscarriage] to my children.”

Afterward, she said, she had a “germ of an idea” about a children’s book that could help explain early pregnancy loss. Baill said she watched and waited, certain someone would write and publish such a book. 
“I had this idea for a children’s book that I thought was really needed,” she said. “I didn’t think I was the right person to write it. I didn’t think I was an expert. I kept my eye out for the book; kept looking for someone to write it.”

But no one did. So, eventually, Baill wrote it herself. 

In addition to helping explain miscarriage itself to children, Baill said she hopes the book can serve as a springboard for discussion among parents and their children. In the back of the book, she provides a list of resources for helping children through grief, for example.

There are other children’s books available to help parents discuss miscarriage and infant dealth, like, We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead, Our Heaven Baby (with an explicitly Christian focus), A Rainbow Baby Story (designed to tell children about a sibling who died before they were born), and Dancing on the Moon (focusing on infant death). 

We hope these titles give you a starting point when talking about miscarriage with children, and that you share them with other families experiencing loss.


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There is no Dignity in Neglect

7/12/2022

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By Emily Carrington, EPLA Executive Director 
Miscarriage is bloody, intimate, and physically mortifying, and for those reasons, it is not something we like to talk about. 

But we cannot protect a woman’s privacy at the expense of her dignity. 

To leave her to suffer alone, in a pile of her own blood, is not privacy, is not protection, is not care. 

It is neglect. 

There is no dignity in neglect; only deep pain, isolating heartache, and unnecessary shame. 

As the founding president and now executive director of EPLA I find myself talking about miscarriage a lot. Sometimes, I’m speaking to young mothers who are accustomed to birth stories and more intimate conversations about the body, but other times I’m talking to older gentlemen, who I presume… are not accustomed to such talk. 

I am not interested in making people blush. I am also not interested in parading women and their humble (and often gruesome) stories in front of others in the name of awareness. This has brought me to think about what is “dignity.” 

Dignity and propriety matter in society. Often, a miscarriage is a physically gruling and bloody experience that doesn’t fit polite conversation. 

And while I have told my own miscarriage story to thousands of people over the last seven years, there are parts of it I often keep to myself. Keeping parts of our story private is okay. But leaving others to suffer the same bloody mess without the proper resources is not okay. 

To restore dignity and propriety to this situation, we must recognize that a woman’s body is tasked with delivering a dead baby and we must meet her needs in that very vulnerable moment. On the bathroom floor with bath towels and a tupperware container isn’t good enough. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing a miscarriage and have chosen to deliver at home, email us at miscarriagecare@gmail.com. Please include the name and mailing address of the recipient. We will ship a large miscarriage care kit anywhere in the United States. 

If you or a loved one have already experienced a miscarriage or will be undergoing a D&C procedure, please email us requesting a small care kit. 

If you would like to assemble your own kit, here is a list of recommended items: 

  • Disposable underpads or towels
  • Latex or rubber gloves
  • Thick sanitary napkins (do not use tampons)
  • Urine hat for blood collection
  • A small disposable strainer set inside the urine hat can be used for tissue and body collection when necessary
  • Painkillers (consult your physician)
  • Ice pack and/or hot pad to manage pain
  • A small box or container for the body (when applicable)
  • Favorite comfort items (examples: favorite foods, tea, blanket, pillow, stuffed animal)

Other pain and comfort management suggestions:
  • Have a partner or caretaker provide massage and apply pressure on back
  • Change positions
  • Eat easily digestible foods
  • Take time to rest
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Britney Spears’ Miscarriage Announcement and Second Guessing

7/7/2022

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By Nick Carrington EPLA Editor

Recently, Britney Spears announced that she had experienced a miscarriage. At EPLA our hearts break for her and Sam Asghari, the father.

In her post, Spears noted that they perhaps “should have waited to announce until we were further along…”, a common sentiment among families that miscarry.


It should surprise no one that families feel that way, and there is nothing wrong if that’s the approach that parents want to take. But there are advantages to announcing a pregnancy early, even if it ends in tragedy.


One advantage is that if something happens, a community of loved ones will know the family is hurting and why. Part of feeling isolated is that others, even those close to the loss parents, don’t know their loved ones are struggling. After the loss, it may be difficult to reach out for help because doing so can feel like burdening the people they care about.


Another advantage is that more people have the chance to celebrate the child, even as they never get to interact with him or her. Children lost in the womb should be mourned, yes, but also celebrated. They were people, part of a family, if only for a short time.


Of course, this approach means that loss parents may have to tell more people than they want about their loss. It can be exhausting to restate something that causes such pain.


Regardless of what you decide, resist the urge to second guess yourself.

No matter when you announce a pregnancy, there are advantages and disadvantages, and if your family suffers through a miscarriage, those details are some of the least important. Get the help you need – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.


For Spears and Asghari, we hope they have peace and that a community rises up to ease their burdens as they grieve.
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Nick Carrington is an Editor for the EPLA and Associate Professor of Professional Writing at Cedarville University
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Hope Blooms Podcast Re-Launch

6/23/2022

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​New from EPLA: the Hope Blooms podcast! By Maria Servold
The Early Pregnancy Loss Association blog editors have been pleased to publish information, stories, and advice on our blog for the last handful of years. This month, we are excited to expand our outreach efforts by launching Hope Blooms, the podcast. 

Available on all major podcast platforms, the Hope Blooms podcast will bring you stories from moms who have suffered miscarriage, as well as conversations with medical and other professionals. 

The first two episodes are now live on your favorite podcast app, and they feature conversations between our founder and current executive director, Emily Carrington, and nurse and therapist Nancy Kingma, conducted in 2019. More of their conversation will be posted over the next month.
​

We hope you enjoy the episodes. In the future, we’d like to feature conversations with loss moms, health care professionals, and anyone else seeking to support women and families after early pregnancy loss. Let us know what you’d like to hear, or if you’d like to share your story with us.
​

Hope Blooms on Buzzsprout

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Miscarriages and the Terms We Use

6/9/2022

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By Emily Carrington EPLA Executive Director
​
When I was diagnosed with my first missed miscarriage, I didn’t even know what those words meant. I sat overwhelmed with both grief and confusion. After the diagnosis the doctor was kind and gentle. He invited me back at any time to answer questions. My brain reeled but seemed stuck at the same time. I didn’t even know what questions to ask. I had nowhere to put my thoughts while I was getting a crash course in pregnancy loss. 

As EPLA describes in our educational resources, “a missed miscarriage, a
lso called a missed abortion, is an early pregnancy loss in which the baby has died but has not been expelled from the uterus. When a missed miscarriage occurs, three options are available: to induce labor to expel the baby, to have a dilation and curettage procedure, or to wait until the body recognizes the miscarriage and goes into labor on its own.”


Some miscarriages start with sudden bleeding and some miscarriages *start* with the words “I am sorry there is no heartbeat.” 


Following my missed miscarriage I realized that
many of the terms used in early pregnancy loss are unknown to many people. Often the term miscarriage is used to lump everything together. This overgeneralization does a disservice to women and families suffering loss, as they have no way to understand what has happened to their baby and what will be happening to them. 


Such generalization also allows for myths and misunderstandings to cloud early pregnancy loss. For example, not all miscarriages are “like a heavy period,” a common misconception that overlooks the hard labor many women endure to expel an embryo or fetus.  


It is important that we are careful and precise with our language so we might know how to best care for each other. 


Here at EPLA we work to clarify these misconceptions, share stories, and give voice to the suffering. 


We believe that dignity is found in clinging to the truth. We must affirm the lives lost, the physical experience of the women, and the suffering of the family. This must start with a full understanding of terms. 


In the coming months we will continue to highlight words such as ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, chemical pregnancy, and more. We will explore medical procedures such as a dilation and curettage as well as natural labor following a miscarriage. This education is necessary for us to provide care for women and families suffering loss.


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Emily Carrington is a freelance writer, wife, mother, and founder of the EPLA.
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Caring for a Miscarried Baby’s Remains

6/2/2022

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By Maria Servold​ EPLA Editor

A British couple has
made headlines recently after they came forward to discuss how their miscarried baby’s body was treated (or not treated) at a hospital in London.


Laura Brody and Lawrence White lost their son at home four months into pregnancy. The loss occurred after they visited a hospital, had an ultrasound that showed the baby had died, and were told to wait at home until a bed was available for her to deliver the stillborn baby. 

While waiting at home, she delivered the baby in her bathroom. The couple called an emergency number but were told their situation was not an emergency. They went to the emergency room anyway, with the baby boy’s body in a Tupperware container. 

Once in the emergency room, Laura and Lawrence had to wait for five hours in the waiting room, and once they were seen by staff members, no one provided help or information about how to handle the baby’s body, the couple said. 

"It feels like there's no safety net when things go wrong with pregnancy,” Brody told The Telegraph newspaper. "And even with all the staff and experts working really hard, the processes are so flawed that it just felt like we'd been tipped into hell."

At the Early Pregnancy Loss Association, we know one of the most difficult parts of miscarriage can be figuring out how to appropriately and carefully handle the body of a miscarried baby. Many times, in early losses, the baby’s body isn’t recovered. However, many women are able to retrieve the body or gestational sac of their baby. 

One organization, Heaven’s Gain Ministries, has put together a body retrieval kit that we include in our large at-home miscarriage care kits. The retrieval kits help families secure and preserve their baby’s body until they are able to bury or cremate it. 

Heavens’ Gain also provides beautiful caskets and urns for the remains of miscarried babies, highlighting the dignity of tiny souls lost too soon, but never forgotten. 

We hope medical care professionals continue to improve the process of helping families through miscarriage, including the proper handling of a miscarried baby’s remains. We will continue to advocate for such efforts, and will seek to provide support in whatever way we can. 
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Maria Servold is an Editor at the EPLA, Assistant Director of the Herbert H. Dow II Program in American Journalism, and Lecturer in Journalism at Hillsdale College.
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Community after Miscarriage: Mental Health Awareness Month

5/29/2022

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By Nick Carrington EPLA Editor

May is mental health awareness month and a great opportunity to remember the challenges that miscarriage causes. The physical effects are traumatic enough, but women face intense mental and emotional struggles as well.


A
recent study suggests that miscarriage potentially doubles the risk of suicide in teens. The researchers focused on teenagers in the juvenile justice and foster care systems, a group who traditionally doesn’t have a strong support system when tragedy strikes.


The experience of those teens isn’t uncommon. While other mothers are blessed with support systems in various forms, like friends, family, and church and other civic groups, they may not experience the fruit of that community after a miscarriage.


​That lack of support occurs for multiple reasons. We still don’t talk about miscarriage enough. People are often uncomfortable hearing about a miscarriage and don’t know how to react. But also, we don’t always recognize that both mother and father have lost a child. In most cases, we should expect the parents will grieve as those who’ve lost a loved one.

​So loved ones should react accordingly. Many ways that we comfort the grieving are appropriate in this situation, like sending flowers, starting a meal train, writing cards, and providing gifts. As a community, we strive to ease burdens from the loss family so they can focus on grieving instead of dealing with endless other responsibilities.


When women and families don’t have people to support them, they may spiral into despair. That’s why the EPLA focuses so much on building community around miscarriage. As we think through mental health, let's not forget that a strong community plays a role in the healing process.
So be there for each other and know who will be there for you. When a miscarriage occurs, we not only grieve together, we work to help loved ones heal. 

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Nick Carrington is an Editor for the EPLA and Associate Professor of Professional Writing at Cedarville University
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