Fond Memories

By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder

As we approach Christmas and New Years I find myself dwelling on things of the past and the future. This year, however strange it might sound, my heart is full of fondness as I think of my three little ones who died in early pregnancy.

Before my pregnancy with my daughter, I had spent approximately 25 weeks of my life pregnant over three pregnancies. I had survived most of the whole first trimester, twice, before I learned that our little ones had died. My third pregnancy came and went before I knew we had conceived, but I was pregnant for at least a couple of weeks.

​And while there is so much tragedy and sorrow in each one of these pregnancies, there is also so much joy. My first two children spent over two months inside me. I knew they were there. I not only dreamed about who they would be, but I thought about them as they were: an embryo, a fetus, my child.

Four years later, part of carrying my grief includes remembering the happy moments with these little ones.

​But these moments are hard to share with others. Often when I bring up my first three pregnancies, it casts a cloud of sadness on the conversation. Sometimes I just want to laugh about cravings, complain about morning sickness, or share stories about first ultrasounds. Before I had my daughter I felt like I didn’t have a right to talk about these things, like my pregnancies weren’t real because they didn’t produce live babies. But however briefly I held them, these children were mine, and my memories are real.

Now I try to embrace every single moment I had with each of my children. I remember fondly the moment we saw “Baby’s” heartbeat flash on the screen at my first ultrasound. I remember telling parents and friends we were expecting. I remember being excited for morning sickness. I also remember the moment we found out “Yoshi” was a boy; even if this was after he passed, knowing more about my child, my son, was a beautiful gift.

Often when I bring up my first three pregnancies, it casts a cloud of sadness on the conversation. Sometimes I just want to laugh about cravings, complain about morning sickness, or share stories about first ultrasounds. 

I hold on to each of these memories. Sometimes, they pop up in normal conversation. Sometimes, I keep them close to my heart, a special memory just for me. While I mourn the passing of each child, I also ache to celebrate each life as beautiful.

One of my resolutions for 2019 is to tell of the fond memories of my first three little ones. I will be doing so in the coming months in some of my blog posts for Hope Blooms, and I invite you to do the same. We want to celebrate your baby with you and remember them fondly as you do. If you have happy memories or moments of a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, please email us at [email protected].
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​Emily Carrington is the founder of the EPLA and mother to four children.