HOPE BLOOMS
sharing your stories and remembering your children
By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder Last week Dear Abby responded to Crystal in Nevada about her aunt who was still grieving a stillborn baby who died 20 years ago. Crystal was concerned about her aunt because she has “lived a morbid lifestyle.” Examples of morbidity included wanting to have a 1st Birthday party and recently asking for the baby to be included in the list of grandchildren at her grandfather’s funeral. Abby responded by validating Crystal’s concerns and invalidating the aunt’s grief. She started by saying that this woman needed grief counseling and then that the idea of the birthday party is “truly sad.” She did suggest that it wasn’t that out of line to want to include the baby in the list of grandchildren, so there is that. As many in the baby loss community have pointed out, Abby’s response was not only out of touch, but it is actually harmful to loss parents. While grief counseling is a great tool for learning to live with grief, what type of result does Abby think grief counseling will produce? This response at Unexpected Family Outing says it well: “You assumed that her aunt had not sought any kind of counseling. Perhaps, you think counseling cures a person’s heartache for their child?” The same piece continues to point out the flaws with Abby’s advice: “You could have shared that there is no timeline when it comes to grief. You could have used your influential platform to help those normalizing the grief experience. Instead, you decided to continue the very harmful narrative that grief is about moving on.” And many others took to Facebook to express their disgust with Dear Abby. At the time of publishing the Dear Abby post had over 430 comments that largely expressed displeasure and pain with Abby’s answer, a much greater response than any recent posts on the page. From our perspective at EPLA, two things are very clear from this whole episode:
The Dear Abby issue shows us just how far we’ve come and how far we still need to go. We rejoice in our progress and look forward to the challenges ahead -- because no family should suffer miscarriage alone. Emily Carrington is the founder of the EPLA and mother to four children.
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By: Nick Carrington EPLA Editor At Hope Blooms, we’ve talked extensively about remembering the children of your loved ones. In the immediate aftermath, that’s easier to do. But as time goes by and the initial pain subsides for loss parents, friends and family may forget to acknowledge the loss. It happens with every death; when my grandfather died, my family spent a lot of time recounting his jokes, oddities, and warmth. It was cathartic and a way to honor him. We still tell those stories from time-to-time but not with the frequency that we did immediately after his passing. But child loss is different in many ways than other deaths. The intensity of the grief may decrease, but the grief remains in some form for a lifetime. You may not see the grief as vividly, but it persists, like a scar that doesn’t quite fade away. For loved ones, we have opportunities to come alongside loss parents for the long haul. That does not mean bringing up the loss frequently, but we can find little moments to remind the parents that we remember and love their children. So, from time-to-time, send loss parents a gift that shows you remember their children. Write them a note. Bake them a special treat. Do whatever you can to honor their little ones. Because the grief of losing a child doesn’t end. It intensifies and wanes, but it doesn’t end. Parents who experience miscarriage need our support, and we as loved ones should let them know: your children may not be here, but they are still loved. Nick Carrington is an Editor for the EPLA and Assistant Professor of Professional Writing at Cedarville University.
By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder The number of loss parents who have found their voice on social media is beautiful, inspiring, and empowering. As each one comes forward with a deeply personal and deeply painful story, our children are remembered and in a way given the voice they never had. But sometimes, I have to keep scrolling. I just can’t read your story right now. I can’t read your story because I can’t feel that pain again. The anxiety, the worry, the flood of emotions. I can’t read your story because I have been there. I have been you. Your story is my story and right now, scrolling through Facebook before bed, I need just a slight reprieve. I also can’t read your story because my mind fills with worry, regret, fear, and anxiety. I have lost three little ones inside me, and I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to the one down the hall, sleeping peacefully. I can’t read your story. But I am glad you wrote it. I hope it touches someone. I hope it helped to heal you, just like writing my story has helped to heal me. I am sorry I can’t read your story today. It isn’t you. It is me. And dear fellow loss parent, I know you will have a day where you can’t read my story either. And that is okay, you don’t have to. We are still in this together. And on the days I can’t read your story, know that I hear you, I see you, and I honor you, your little one, and your pain. Emily Carrington is the founder of the EPLA and mother to four children.
By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder
A little more about the miscarriage care kits… The board of directors at EPLA developed the miscarriage care kits based on our own experiences. Having suffered our own pregnancy losses and walking through pregnancy loss with friends, we realized that there is more we could be doing to help women during loss. Last week we shared a post detailing the items in the care kits. This week I wanted to show you all these kits. To see what is in each kit, watch the Facebook Live Video now. Emily Carrington is the founder of the EPLA and mother to four children. By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder Last fall, EPLA started providing miscarriage care kits at no cost in Hillsdale, Michigan, for anyone who needs one. Since releasing our kits, we have had many inquiries about what we include. Whether you live in our area and need a kit for yourself or a friend, or you want to copy our idea to provide these kits in your area, we thought this information would be helpful. The makeup of the kits is flexible, but this is the core of what we provide. Home miscarriage care kit: (Large Kit) These are intended for a woman working with her doctor and planning to miscarry the remains of her little one at home. This kit would be most likely used in a “missed miscarriage” situation where she knows the baby has died but is waiting to start the miscarriage process. Sanitary Items
Comfort care package
Memorial Items
Educational resources
Other items
Post miscarriage kit (Small Kit) This kit is intended for a woman who has already passed the remains of her little one either naturally or following a D&C procedure. The small kit includes the following items: Pads
Brochures
Locally, both large and small kits are available to anyone who needs one. You or a support person can pick one up at any of the following locations:
The small kit is also distributed to parents experiencing a miscarriage in the Hillsdale Hospital Emergency Department. If you are interested in creating your own kit we encourage you to take some ideas from us! You can also check out our Amazon Wishlist for more specifics! We have provided these kits by a grant from the Hillsdale County Community Foundation and from the generous donations of our supporters. Emily Carrington is the founder of the EPLA and mother to four children.
By: Nick Carrington EPLA Editor At the EPLA, we have a long-term goal to help change the public discourse about miscarriage. For too long, our culture has discussed miscarriage only in hushed tones, forcing parents to grieve privately and pretend they merely experienced a “setback.” But this Mother’s Day season, we are seeing just how much the public dialog has changed in a short amount of time. For example, at Sharing Magazine, Tiffany Elder emphasizes that mothers of lost children are indeed mothers: “I looked her in the eyes from across the table, and I told her that she is, in fact, a mother. I told her that she has in fact experienced having the love of a mother for that little baby.” We have come to accept the fact that these mothers will likely feel a great deal of pain on Mother’s Day as they reflect on the devastating loss in miscarriage. Over at Proverbs 31 Ministries, Stephanie Raquel recalls her own experience with Mother’s Day after losing her first child: “That Mother’s Day was anything but joyful. But my friend Deb? She knew. She understood I’d just want to weep and had called me that morning. Deb left a heartfelt message, sharing a short Scripture and a prayer reminding me of God’s goodness — which was exactly what my soul craved that day.” If you know parents who have lost a child, remember their pain this holiday season and do what you can to help with the healing process. Before Bereaved Mother’s Day on May 5th, Sabrina Ivy reminded us that mothers who miscarried did not fail, “not even a little bit.” They provide a loving home for their child and while death parted mother and child, they shared a bond only the two of them could have: “You create countless scenarios of what you could have done differently because you feel that somehow you have failed. You need to know that you didn’t fail. Not even a little bit.” Mothers of miscarried children are mothers; they feel the pain of a diseased child because whether they held him or her or not, they lost a child. These mothers were the best thing to ever happen to their children; they did nothing wrong to lose their little one. Our culture needs to hear these truths. For too long, we have failed to reinforce these realities and others like it. But, this Mother’s Day season, we have seen just how much the conversation surrounding miscarriage has changed. The truth that parents need to hear is emerging, and women are sharing their stories more and more. So, in a way we celebrate the progress of our public discourse, and yet, we still have a long way to go. We must not confuse where we are with where we want to be. This Mother’s Day season, we are thankful for the support for loss families, and we look forward to even more positive change ahead. Nick Carrington is an Editor for the EPLA and Assistant Professor of Professional Writing at Cedarville University.
By: Emily Carrington EPLA Founder To the woman suffering after a miscarriage, You may feel invisible, but I know you. I know your tears, your broken heart, and your empty arms. You hold it together as you go on with life. You blend in well enough at work, school, or the grocery store. But you are burdened every day by this weight. How could something so invisible be so heavy? What is worse, you might feel like you have to bear this weight alone. You might have lost your little one before anyone even knew. Perhaps you told only a few close friends and family, or maybe you didn’t even have a chance to tell your husband. You might wonder if any of this is even real. Dear mama, it was. From the moment life started inside of you, you became a mother. You carried your little one for all of the days of their life. Do you have any happy memories from your pregnancy? It is OK to think about those. The two pink lines? What about food aversions? How did you tell the baby’s father? Did you tell your parents yet? Were you lucky enough to have a good ultrasound? I know you have sad memories. These are OK too. How did you find out you lost the love of your life? Was it an ultrasound? Bleeding? Did you suffer other bodily changes as your body adjusted? Dear mama, I am so sorry. But know this, this experience was real. Your baby was real. Your loss was real. And your grief is real. You are not invisible. You are a mother. And this Mother’s Day know that you are known, loved, and honored. You are not alone. Emily Carrington is the founder of the EPLA and mother to four children.
By Emily Carrington EPLA Editor Sunday May 5th was Bereaved Mother’s Day; a day honoring women who have lost their children. I have to admit, when I first learned about Bereaved Mother’s Day, I wasn’t sure what I thought about it. I didn’t want a second-class Mother’s Day for all the sad ladies; I wanted a normal Mother’s Day. But I guess that was the problem. I realize now that I will never get a normal Mother’s Day. Even after the birth of my daughter, the three little ones that preceded her would never be with me. My Mother’s Day would always be missing some very important people. I find joy, but I also know sadness. As I learned to live with my miscarriages, I also learned to live with Bereaved Mother’s Day. Women who have lost children deserve to be honored. They are mothers, true mothers, worthy of any Mother’s Day honor. But they are not “normal” mothers; there will always be a part of them that is missing. And as much as I longed to be a “normal” mother, I have found more comfort in realizing the truth: I am a bereaved mother. This brings me comfort because Bereaved Mother’s Day acknowledges me and my children, and it acknowledges the truth of the nature of my motherhood: I have one living child and three who I have lost. My children are real, their death was real, and my grief is real. Emily Carrington is the founder of the EPLA and mother to four children.
By: Maria Servold EPLA Editor Last fall, on several cold, snowy days, a few members of the Early Pregnancy Loss Association’s executive committee went around the small town where we’re based and planted upwards of 300 purple tulip bulbs. The bulbs, generously donated by EPLA supporters, form several small memorial gardens around Hillsdale, Michigan, that we hope honor the memories of little ones lost to miscarriage. Outside a courthouse, in a children’s garden, and outside the birthing center of a hospital, the purple flowers are now blooming. We’ve placed small signs explaining the gardens in several of the planting locations, and we hope local families who see the signs and tulips take a moment to remember children they or others have lost.
Maria Servold is an Editor at the EPLA, Assistant Director of the Herbert H. Dow II Program in American Journalism, and Lecturer in Journalism at Hillsdale College
By: The Editors
Miscarriages occur for a variety of reasons. They are almost never the mother's fault. Sometimes, understanding the cause of a miscarriage can help parents as they grieve. Recently, Jenna Bush Hager revealed that she had an ectopic pregnancy, an issue that occurs in only 1%-2% of pregnancies. Hager discussed the joy of getting pregnant and the pain of the miscarriage: "I was so excited ... I got to the doctor's office and she said, 'Yeah, you're pregnant, but we can't find the baby,''" Jenna said during a conversation with Meredith Vieira about their respective journeys to parenthood. "And I had no idea what an ectopic pregnancy was. The baby was in my fallopian tube." "My husband was out of town. My sister was in Africa. So I went into emergency surgery and I had my fallopian tube removed," she added, calling the experience "isolating." Rheana Murray, a lifestyle reporter at TODAY and NBC News, has written an excellent article that explores what an ectopic pregnancy is, what the symptoms are, and how it might be treated. As we learn more, we become better advocates and sources of encouragement. Even if you have never experienced an ectopic pregnancy, understanding it might help you support others who have or will. |
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